#{♚ x v; tbd x}

[feilien]

@r4bidog said: “an exhausted drug king easily walks into matt's bedroom and plops on his bed while he's reading a book ; he lazily starts to toy with the end of matt's shirt as he stares up at the ceiling . his scar is getting better , and everyone calls him a boss , and he's killed way too many men to reach here . ❛ i feel like i'm gonna die . . . ❜ / hi i missed them idk .” {♚ x Meme I am too lazy to find right now || Accepting x}

 Gangjae just walking into Matt’s room—without knocking, mind you—wasn’t exactly unheard of, nor was him making himself at home on Matt’s bad as though he owned it. Which, if one wanted to be pedantic about it, he technically did. But even though it wasn’t unheard of and even though Matt should really be used to it by now, it still made his heart miss a beat every single time; and he never failed to remind himself just how much he hated himself for it. It was a stupid crush, a hopeless crush, and yet he seemed unable to shake it, regardless of many girls he saw disappear in and out of his friend’s room. And, of course, every time he thought he might stand a chance of getting over it, Gangjae felt the need to do something to draw him right back in.

 Without lifting his gaze from his book, Matt raised his eyebrows as he turned a page and let out a sigh. “Yeah? What’s killing you this time? The alcohol? The drugs? The countless girls? Or everything combined?” Okay, perhaps a little too obvious. Glancing at the other, Matt gave him a once over, then shrugged his shoulders. “You look perfectly fine to me. As fine as you'll ever be, anyway.”

[feilien]

 He didn’t want Yuki to die either. But he also didn’t want him to live as what was essentially a slave.

 But… As he’d said, it wasn’t his decision to make. And perhaps being someone’s weapon beat a life on the run, always looking over your shoulder in fear of being found. It was by no means ideal, but in their line of work—in their kind of life—there was no such thing as ideal. Only the lesser evil.

 “Alright,” he finally said, nodding his head. “If that’s your decision, you have my support. And I’ll do what I can to ensure you’re being treated well.” A hollow promise, perhaps. How much pull did he truly have at the moment? His grandfather hardly listened to him in trivial matters, so why would he when it came to something so important as a powerful weapon? But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. Long Zhi could make sound arguments with reasonable logic to back them up. And if he bothered Xiao Dan enough, perhaps he could sway him in a different direction. Even if he would risk annoyance and inevitable scorn. Maybe even punishment. That was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

 “But,” Long Zhi sighed, glancing over at Yuki, before putting on a smile and wrapping his arm around the other’s shoulders, “at least there’s an end at the light at the tunnel, I suppose. Things will be different once I take over. For you, for me. For us. That I can promise.”

Now Yuki fell into a long silence. A weapon. Long Zhi voiced it and now it was a reality, one Yuki had been avoiding since he joined. Xiao Dan had a slimy, ruthless aura, stained with blood, and Yuki was sure any sort of training he underwent would be...unimaginable.

When Long Zhi had made him egg drop soup in his apartment, Yuki had been certain that death was the preferable option. He'd disregarded his life in exchange for his goal. But that was before. When he carried the weight of what Raito had done. When he was betrayed, hurt, and truly alone. Now, things were different. There was someone who cared, who looked out for him, who he'd come to care for as well. Long Zhi never wanted anything from him, never used him.

Couldn't he endure it? Yuki had endured so much already, kept his kindness in spite of it all. But that was the question. How much could a person endure until they broke? A weapon wasn't whole. A weapon was forged in pain.

A small fire sparked in his chest —Long Zhi knew that pain. Yuki couldn't leave him at the mercy of a man like Xiao Dan. He wouldn't.

"I don't want to die, Long Zhi," Yuki said quietly. He knew it for certain. He looked up at the other, his friend, unsure of what expression he wore. "I can take it, whatever he does."

[feilien]

@draconisa  said: “" i didn't know where else to go... "” {♚ x Meme I am too lazy to find right now || Accepting x}

 It was somewhat late, and Matt had only just taken a break from studying to cook himself something to eat, lest he waste away after not eating for a few hours. He’d hardly gotten any of his prep done, when there’d been a knock on his door. Not necessarily an alarming thing in and of itself, but despite a couple of years having passed, he still remained paranoid for fear of being found. And he simply wasn’t expecting anyone, let alone at this time.

 For a moment, he considered ignoring it. Perhaps someone had put in the wrong apartment number for a delivery? But what if that wasn’t the case, and any second someone was about to kick in the door with him woefully underprepared. So he tightened his grip around the knife still in his hand, and slowly, warily, made his way over to the door.

 A quick look through the peephole, however, had his whole body relax and him sigh in relief. No delivery person, and no thugs out to get him. But then alarm bells went off yet again, and he quickly opened the door. “Daenerys? What— Is everything alright?”

 " i didn't know where else to go... "

 There was no hesitation as he stepped aside, both confused and worried. “Come in. What’s wrong?”

[feilien]

@draconisa said: “[ FEVER ]: having noticed the sender beginning to spike a fever, receiver presses a cool cloth to their forehead to try and bring it down. 👀” {♚ x Meme I am too lazy to find right now || Accepting x}

 Matt wasn’t entirely sure when things had changed. The past couple of years had been spent mostly alone since arriving in NYC; partly because he was just too busy with studies to be out and about, and partly because his persisting paranoia made him hesitant to spend any extended periods of time outside of his apartment unless absolutely necessary.

 That paranoia, however, didn’t seem to extend to Daenerys and Rhaego, and he somehow found himself in their apartment more frequently as time passed. Today was no exception. After taking Bao for a walk, they’d gotten settled in Dany’s living room and had put on a movie Rhaego had probably seen about fifty times at this point, but still demanded they watched again anyway. Matt didn’t mind—his eyes had the habit of drifting over to Daenerys anyway.

 Which was how he picked up on her flushed cheeks, dewy-looking face, and consistent nodding off. After reaching out to feel her forehead, it became quite clear why: she was burning up. Still, she insisted she was fine and it took what felt like forever and every bit of persuasion Matt had to get her to agree to at least lay down on the couch. So stubborn.

 Once she was settled in and Rhaego preoccupied with both the movie and Bao, Matt got a couple of things together and sat back down on the couch with a cloth in his hand. Running his fingers through her hair to move it out of her face, he then dabbed the cloth gently along her forehead, before laying it across. “I have no plans for the rest of the night. I can watch Rhaego, so you can get some rest.” Reaching for the cup he’d set down on the table, he held it out for her to take, if she wanted to. “Here. Some Chinese herbal tea. No idea what’s in it, if I’m honest, but my mother used to give it to me whenever I was sick. Works wonders somehow. Probably has some Unicorn hair in it or something.”

[feilien]

{♚ x @r4bidog x}

 As always, Long Zhi ---- Matt --- was being kept in the dark. ‘None of your business’, and ‘none of your concern, you’re here to train, nothing else’ were the only answers he got when asking about Gangjae. It drove him mad, no, it made him mad. Any other time, any other circumstances and he probably would’ve bowed his head in obedience — just as expected of him. Just as he’d been taught for all his life. Even though he was the one supposed to be giving the orders one day, it wasn’t his place to question the ones given to him now. 

 But Gangjae was his friend. His only friend. He couldn’t just sit here and pretend that everything was alright, when it clearly wasn’t. Something had happened, and now he was nowhere to be found.

 Sneaking out was easier said than done. Even though Matt was beyond proficient in stealth, he was being watched like a hawk around the clock. Not only by his own clan members, but he was fairly sure that there were others being paid to report back, too. Should they spot him, it was over. So he waited until deep into the night, then climbed out of the window of his temporary new home, and onto the roof. From there, he made his way across several blocks, before he dared to lower himself down onto the street. But that… That was the easy part.

 The next few nights were spent with a cap and hood pulled deep into his face, while he wasted hours upon hours trying to find clues as to Gangjae’s whereabouts. He was nearly out of patience and out of money when he finally came across something tangible. A doctor who’d supposedly taken care of him a few nights back. At first, it seemed like another bust; the doctor simply wouldn’t budge and give him any information, claiming he hadn’t seen his friend. But there was something off about him, something that made the hair on Matt’s neck stand up. In the end, he lost patience and let one of his trusted knives do the talking. Suddenly the doctor remembered. Yeah, he had seen him, and yes, he’d fixed up a nasty cut on his face, and he even knew where to find him!

 Feeling particularly nice that night, Matt left him was a fairly superficial cut, and instead spent his energy on making his way to said apartment. It was dirty, run-down, and generally sent a shiver down his spine. Not a place he’d willingly go otherwise. But for the sake of his friend, he kept on moving until he found himself in front of the door of the apartment Gangjae supposedly stayed in.

 Matt knocked on the door once, twice, and a third time, but there was no answer. For a moment he wondered if he had the wrong one, but after double and triple checking was confident that he was at the right number. So, after a moment of hesitation, he reached out and tried the doorknob — it opened. He stuck his head in first, glanced around, then stepped in entirely and closed the door behind him. “Gangjae?” The place was virtually empty, save for a single bed. Making his way over to the bed, he regarded the figure curled up on it for a moment, then reached out and gingerly touched its shoulder. “Hey, it’s me. Matt.”

[feilien]

@r4bidog said: "∗ 94﹕ sender pulls receiver into their lap . / uhh sorry 🫣" {♚ x 𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝑵𝑶𝑵𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑩𝑨𝑳 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺 . ||  Accepting x}

 Life, recently, hadn’t been easy. There was no security, no comfort, no more goal to strive towards, and no more family. But, at the end of the day, it was Matt’s life. Not his grandfather’s, not his clan's, just his own. It wasn’t ideal, but at least he’d made the choice himself and he got to surround himself with someone he cared for; and who, in turn, cared for him — in his very own way, anyway. It was enough.

 As an added bonus, Matt now got to do a lot of things he couldn’t before. Like party. And drink. And hit on girls. All of which he thoroughly enjoyed, while still being responsible enough to stay away from the harder stuff. One of them had to keep a clearish mind, after all. Just because things looked less grim at the moment, didn’t mean that there was no danger still lurking in the shadows. It was just a matter of time, nothing else.

 Having just grabbed a couple more drinks, Matt made his way back to where they’d been sitting half the night by now. When squeezing his way past his friend, he suddenly felt a pair of hands and, before being able to react, suddenly found himself sitting down. On Gangjae’s lap. His heart stuttered briefly in his chest, and it took his brain a moment to catch up with what was happening. And with the way it made him feel.

 Collecting himself, he let out a drawn-out sigh, then calmly set the drinks down on the table. Another moment passed, then he finally turned around. “Are you really that fucked up already?”

[feilien]

@draconisa said: "∗ 46﹕ sender  pulls  receiver  out  of  harm’s  way . (reverse!)" {♚ x 𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝑵𝑶𝑵𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑩𝑨𝑳 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺 . ||  Accepting x}

 Their alliance was still fresh, new, and on shaky ground at best; alas, it was necessary to accomplish their one common goal: to stop his own clan’s shady dealings. The reality of it all had hit him only recently, and it had hit him hard. Hard enough to go not only behind his clan’s back, but behind his own family’s back as well. Something completely unthinkable less than a month ago. If his grandfather ever got caught wind of it, Long Zhi would get disinherited or exiled at best, or lose his own life at worst. A risk he seemed surprisingly willing to take.

 He had been raised to fight, even to kill without hesitation, but the targets had always been enemies, or at the very least people who had wronged them. There had been a reason, an excuse. But this? They were innocent, helpless. And Long Zhi couldn’t just stand idly by and let it happen; not now that he knew.

 And while he was careful only to sneak out when he was absolutely certain beyond doubt that no one would notice his absence, he still remained paranoid to an unreasonable degree. But it was that very paranoia that made him realize that someone was following them. They were subtle and skilled, but when Long Zhi spotted them for the third time in the corner of his eye, his hands disappeared inside of his jacket and wrapped around two of his knives — just in case.

 For a while, nothing happened. But then they turned into a quiet street and the atmosphere changed all of a sudden. One moment they were hiding in a doorway, the next they jumped out with a gun in hand. It was instinct more than anything, but Long Zhi let go of one of the blades in favour of grabbing Daenerys’ sleeve and pulling her towards him. The bullet whizzed by, and just a fraction of a second later, he had pulled out his knife and returned the favour. Except… Long Zhi didn’t miss. The blade was securely lodged in the assailant’s chest. The gun cluttered to the ground and he started to stagger back, clutching the knife.

 “Pull it out and you’re as good as dead,” Long Zhi growled, keeping his eyes on the other just in case they tried something else. “That’s not one of my men. Who is that? And why the fuck are they trying to shoot you in broad daylight?”

[feilien]

@draconisa said: “∗ 27﹕ sender  is  caught  wearing  receiver's  clothes . 🥰🤭” {♚ x Meme I am too lazy to find right now || Accepting x}

 When exactly Matt had passed out, he wasn’t too sure. The last thing he remembered was quizzing Daenerys for her upcoming test, and then… nothing. He’d been tired, sure, but he hadn’t thought he was ‘pass out on your friend’s couch in the middle of doing something’ tired.

 But… Sure enough, here he was. Laying on her couch, covered by a blanket and his glasses resting safely on the table nearby. It took him several seconds after waking up to figure out just where exactly he was, and his first instinct was to jump up and go on the defensive. Once his surroundings started to come a little more into focus, however, he started to slowly relax again. So he sat up, heart still racing regardless, and picked up his glasses from the table to put them on.

 Once he was able to see, Matt got up and looked around for Dany, only to spot her in the kitchen—with his hoodie on. For a second, he was confused. Had something happened that he had simply forgotten? Unlikely. No way he would’ve forgotten, no matter what. But fucking hell was it a nice sight, and there was a multitude of thoughts—and emotions—that flooded his mind in that moment.

 Thoughts and emotions he quickly buried as deep as he possible could.

 Walking up to the kitchen, Matt cleared his throat and crossed his arms in front of his chest as he leaned again the counter. “Good morning,” he muttered, voice still heavy with sleep and he once again cleared his throat. “You could’ve woken me up and kicked my ass out, you know.”

[feilien]

 “Savior?” The suggestion caught him so off-guard, that he couldn’t help but let out a quiet scoff. It sounded absolutely absurd, if Matt was honest. “I wish I could claim to be one, but if it wasn’t for my—” he paused,  for my clan and family, “previous company, it wouldn’t have been necessary to begin with. I just… hope they know I had nothing to do with it. That I would’ve done something earlier if I had been aware. I— I just want to be a decent human being, nothing more.”

 Question was… Was he beyond redemption? Or was there a chance he could make up for whatever horrific crimes he had directly and indirectly been responsible for?

 Welcome aboard, Matt. That meant they weren’t just going to toss him off the ship once they made landfall, right? That meant they’d at least give him a chance to prove himself, to prove that he was worth something. That he could be more than what he had been. A criminal. A weapon. A monster. “I’m a quick study, I promise,” he said quickly, as though it was still necessary to convince Inej that he was worth the trouble of keeping him around. “And what I don’t pick up immediately, I’ll practice until I do. I’m even used to forfeiting sleep, if that’s something you want me to do.”

 The fact that Matt was hardly in any shape to even be thinking about doing manual labor was one he opted to ignore. All his life he’d been taught that being useless was the worst thing you could be, and there was no reason to keep you around if you couldn’t contribute. While Inej and her crew seemed nowhere near as ruthless as his own clan, didn’t mean he wanted to give them a reason to change their mind. After all, he’d just left his entire life behind and that in and of itself was incredibly terrifying; not having to be alone at least made it bearable.

 Nodding his head, Matt followed behind her and signaled for Bao to stay by his side. Now that she’d mentioned it, he noticed just how parched he actually felt. “I’m… Not entirely sure how much use those papers are, if I’m honest. I just grabbed what looked like it could have something to do with… you know… The Grisha, and burned the rest. I didn’t have the time to read through them and make sure. So don’t get your hopes up too much. Although I hope they’ll be of some use, at least.”

A preference leaning strongly towards open air compared to a rather compact living space seemed understandable and Inej spent no further thought to it — not here, now, but perhaps later at night when sweet slumber wouldn't take her into its much yearned embrace, she'd find herself wondering if there'd been a 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐫 meaning hiding beneath the layers that made this person who he was. Whilst the most cramped of spaces weren't exactly on top of her list of pleasant spots to be in either, they caused her no excessive anxiety; after all, she had found herself in those kind of places for more times than two hands' fingers could count. Anything to survive, anything to succeed, no matter the costs.

Instead of a verbal sign of understanding, the captain nodded her head once. What made the innate curiosity tingle underneath her ribs wasn't the quickly passed sense of mystery, but the seconds running wild between her introduction and his. Despite of reminding herself to not over analyze every single detail visible for the eye, she couldn't help but let a potential concept linger in. The shackles that'd held him ashore had been left behind 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 ago, and the call of a new life waited ahead, its hand extended for him to take whenever he'd be ready to close the distance... and finally, perhaps, get to know who he truly was.

A faint smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. ❝ No fancy titles, hm. Awfully modest for a savior to say. ❞ Without his aid, there was a chance those captured Grisha would no longer be among the living.

As he offered her a name to call him by, she let it echo for a moment or two. Formal signs of gratitude were admittedly a rarity among those who'd been a part of the crew for long enough to have learned other members' traits and quirks, but Inej didn't consider Matt's deep bow as a strange thing. Cultural ties between one's mind and body were to be 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝. ❝ I have seen how you handle your blades. Anyone with the kind of discipline that learning the art of combat requires will easily get the hang of sailing. ❞ Trust me, I know. ❝ Welcome aboard, Matt. ❞

❝ The Grisha you helped freeing are resting below the deck too. I'm sure they'd like to meet you sooner or later ❞, she informed. ❝ We'll bring them back to their homes and if you'll change your mind, you're free to leave with them, of course. But before anything else, I think we should go through the papers you had stuffed in that bag. It appears the corruption has spread much larger than we expected. ❞ Not the most pleasant news to pile upon his shoulders. ❝ And I imagine you must be thirsty at least. Follow me. ❞ Her steps began 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 them towards the captain's cabin which she used as an office space of sort — she didn't sleep there.

[feilien]

 Being asked not to leave came as a surprise. And with those words, it became obvious just how much of a toll this ordeal had taken on the other. If only he had started looking for Gangjae sooner— Matt sighed, knowing damn well it wouldn’t have changed a thing. And while he knew that those bandages absolutely needed changing, and that Gangjae absolutely needed to eat something before he lost even the last bit of remaining strength, he simply nodded and slowly sat back down — at least for the time being.

 The suggestion that they needed to get out of there was met with a quiet sound of hesitation. It wasn’t that Matt was particularly keen on staying here —the place was disgusting, a dump, and he’d like nothing more than to leave it behind— but where could they go? They could hardly go to Gangjae’s old place, and Matt himself didn’t even have a penny to his name, let alone a place to stay. Still, he got up and grabbed the gun, before making his way over to the other. He waited until he was done washing his hair and getting dressed, then handed the gun over to Gangjae. “I prefer knives, and I got plenty of those. Besides, you need protection more than I do. You can’t show your face out there, so it should be me saying that.”

 Studying his friend’s face, Matt reached up and pulled the poorly wrapped bandage away from his face. “We really need to get this changed. And maybe get you some antibiotic ointment. Or this’ll look like shit for the rest of your life.” Letting go of the bandage, he instead crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Whatever you have in mind, I’m by your side. So lead the way. The quicker we get to where we’re headed, the better.”

 ❛ don't go anywhere . ❜  that's almost too quick , too desperate if he's brave enough to address it . though , he's been brave for too long now , it feels like matt is a colorful window to peace and safety . some time for him to ponder on his next move without having to worry about the doctor or the strangers that came and left in the room . it's a shame he doesn't remember their faces . one hand rubs his brows slowly as he winces at the words ; ❛ i fucking know that . it's not a fucking five star hotel if you haven't noticed . ❜  actually , do gangjae had to be dead by now . and choi mujin's ‘ arm , leg or face ‘ procedure was nothing but a mask he wore over his true intentions with the betrayers . donghoon was matter of broken pride for him but gangjae was the breathing example of his failed control over the boys — matt too now .

 eventually , he pushes the thin blanket away from his legs and sat up . long legs curled on the edge of the bed , back facing his friends as he grabbed the dirty towel from on top of the nightstand and stood up . a little wobbly , a little uneven with his steps as he gripped the end of his shirt to pull it over his head . he couldn't take a shower but he could wash his hair — it didn't feel nice sleeping on that yellowed pillow . ❛ we have to get out of here . ❜ he mumbles as he heads toward the bathroom with a limp . bending lower , hissing painfully as the stitches pulled on his flesh , but turned on the hot water to wash his hair in the sink with the soap . though he was still talking while he did it ; ❛ grab that gun from under the bed . and keep the door closed . ❜  matt himself wasn't exactly safe , and gangjae already had a place in mind to hide until they could get to his old apartment and grab his stock of the new product he was working on . when he's done , he ruffles his wet locks with the towel until they're damp , before moving back inside the room . ❛ . . . i won't let anyone find you . don't worry . ❜  the man mumbles at last , flashing him a brief grin as he reaches for his shirt .

[feilien]

 Long Zhi would’ve been lying if he pretended he didn’t feel his heart drop at Yuki’s words.

 It shouldn’t matter to him, not really. If Yuki made the decision to leave, then that was his decision. And, in turn, he’d face the consequences for it. Hell, Long Zhi himself had delivered those consequences more than a handful of times. He’d never understood why anyone would want to leave to begin with—life in the clan was by no means horrible, and came with far more privileges than drawbacks—and had never hesitated to follow the order to kill the deserters when he’d been given it.

 But he hadn’t known any of those men. He’d maybe seen them once or twice and that was it. He had no feelings for them one way or the other until they became someone who had betrayed the clan. But Yuki? He… liked Yuki. Was quite fond of him, even. Even if he didn't show it. Even if he was too scared to lower his walls and hid behind the 'unapproachable heir' mask instead. He didn’t want to see him dead, much less be the executioner.

 “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear the first question for both of our sakes.” Leaning back into the couch, Long Zhi crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared down in his lap. “Yes, the clan is for life. However long or short that life may be. Lǎo ye is… ruthless at the best of times, but there’s nothing he despises more than betrayal. No one who’s betrayed him has ever lived to tell the tale. Even if they fled all the way back to China.”

 For a moment, Long Zhi fell silent. Then he glanced over at the other, struggling to keep his face neutral and unreadable. “Give it some time, Yuki. You’ll become one of us eventually, I promise. It’s never easy to break into the circle of trust, even if you are Chinese. You have to earn it, prove that you’re trustworthy. To keep us safe from those trying to bring us down.”

One of our own. It was the first time he'd heard anything resembling comradery or acceptance from a member of the Black Dragons. A corner of Yuki's lips lifted up. It was a shame, then, that he wasn't planning on staying long enough to prove himself. As selfish as it was, as reckless as it was, Yuki planned on developing skills and abandoning the clan. Because after Isen was dead...what was there for him? A family with the Black Dragons, a group of people who couldn't possibly trust him, despite the apparent optimism of their soon-to-be leader?

They would likely come after him. That was fine, as long as he had enough time to do what he had to do...assuming he lived long enough to face the consequences of abandoning the clan. Doubt erased Yuki's smile and he looked down in the bowl, resigning himself to setting it on the coffee table beside Long Zhi's.

Right?

"Thanks," he said sincerely. And for the short time he had left, he knew he would do the same for Long Zhi -- should he need it. All these thoughts he tried to keep to himself, but Yuki couldn't help the way his brow knit together, betraying his worry.

Maybe it was the remaining alcohol in his system, maybe it was this strange trust he had in Long Zhi, but where Yuki normally would've remained silent, he continued speaking. "What would happen if I...didn't want to be part of the clan, anymore?" Yuki looked up, but he thought he knew the answer. "I mean, you say you're a second family...is it for life?"

[feilien]

 Long Zhi's mind was a mess, to say the least. It wasn't just the very vivid memory of being locked in the closet that was messing with him, but the fact he had lost it like this in front of someone. That had never happened before. He'd always managed to keep this sort of thing at bay, had either managed to breathe through it, or get away before anyone knew what was happening. It was humiliating, and, quite frankly, he was terrified of Xiao Dan finding out. 

 "Leave me alone," he hissed, shrugging his shoulder in an attempt to rid himself of Yuki's hand. He didn't need this. He didn't want this. 

   (But that was a lie, wasn't it? The gesture unraveled something inside of him, something he'd attempted to rid himself for years, something he'd been deprived of for years. Something he'd been punished for so many times when he had sought it out, even from his own mother.)

 Slowly, the panic started to settle down. He wasn't entirely sure how, or why; he couldn't focus on his breathing, couldn't focus on calming himself down, and yet, he somehow did. As confusing as it was, though, he wasn't about to complain about it. Instead, he took a few deep breaths and tried to focus. Panic or no, he needed to get out of here. Out of the room, out of the building, away from the walls and confined space. 

 "Of course, I can stand." As if to emphasize his words, Long Zhi got up and, although his legs did feel a little wobbly, he made his way over to the door. "Like I said, you won. Congratulations. You beat me. It doesn't happen often, and it won't happen again."

 With that, he left the room and made his way to the rooftops.

When he was pushed away, Yuki gave Long Zhi space. He could feel panic rolling off him in waves, and guilt weighed heavy in Yuki's chest knowing he'd caused it for his own selfish reasons. Yuki set the knife on the ground and put a hand on Long Zhi's shoulder, just as he spoke. You won. Now get out of here. Yuki ignored him.

"Look at me, okay?” he urged. Meanwhile, Yuki connected to Long Zhi's mind again. Only this time, it was to calm him, slow his heart rate. He had to admit, he hadn't expected this strong of a reaction, especially from someone like Long Zhi, who seemed to weather everything with strength and composure. But at the end of the day, they were all vulnerable to their demons. Whether it be a suffocating, dark closet, or blinding headlights, crunched metal and glass shards.

As he felt the panic ebb away, Yuki removed his hand, but he remained at Long Zhi's side. He didn't ask what happened, what was wrong. Yuki was a miserable liar, and the thought of acting innocent made him sick. Just as carefully as before, Yuki retracted his power when he was sure his boss was free from the clutches of his past. But it begged the question...who had locked a young Long Zhi in that closet? The possible answer surfaced and, with a sinking heart, Yuki couldn't say he was surprised.

"Take a breath, Liu.” His voice wasn't pitying, wasn't condescending or mocking. It was the tone of someone whose past clawed at him as well, someone who knew exactly what that panic felt like, no ability needed. Still, Yuki feared it would be read the wrong way, and he continued in a normal voice. "Can you stand?"

[feilien]

 Matt knew that he was taking a risk by letting someone in his life—even if only to walk his dog. For the past couple of years he’d kept a distance from everyone, even fellow students who’d tried fairly hard to get him to hang out with them from time to time. He always had an excuse, something to do, somewhere to be. But perhaps the loneliness was starting to get to him. Perhaps he was having a moment of weakness and was going to regret his decision tomorrow. For now, however, he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.

 “I suppose that’s the nature of big cities, isn’t it? Perfect if you want to remain anonymous, but difficult to build real connections,” Matt sighed, as though that wasn’t the exact reason why he’d chosen the biggest city he could think of. “But— I suppose it beats growing up in a place where you know everyone and you still don’t feel at home.” Ah, too much. Clearing his throat, he scratched the back of his head and put on a smile. “Anyway… If anyone can make you feel at home, I’m fairly certain it’s a big, white, fluffy dog that’s absolutely thrilled every time he gets to see you. So consider that problem solved.”

She takes the phone, and their fingers brush, and for a moment Daenerys finds herself simply staring down at it. It's been a long time since she's made any connection, outside of work, or Rhaego's childcare; it's been years since she's made a friend, someone who she can see having meaning in her life, down the road. The moment breaks, and she shakes it off, fishing her own out of her purse and adding in his number. Maybe it isn't the same for him, but to her, it feels significant.

❛ Thank you, ❜ she says, gesturing to the phone in her hand. ❛ That would be great. ❜ Eyes drift up, automatically settling on Rhaego again. He's saying something she can't hear to Bao, giving his head a pat. Dany smiles. ❛ It'll be nice to know someone else in the building. It's... weird, that even after a couple years, it still doesn't feel like home. ❜

[feilien]

 Once again, Long Zhi remained silent for a long while. Not only because it wasn't an easy answer to give, but because of the implications his answer would have either way. If he said it would be bad to stay, he'd admit that being turned into a weapon—just like him—was a worse alternative to being hunted down for the rest of his life. And that just wasn't a truth Long Zhi was willing to admit.

 However, saying it wasn't bad would be a straight up lie, wouldn't it? Not only that, but could he face being responsible for Yuki being miserable? Things might be miserable now, but this was nothing compared to what would be in store for him once Xiao Dan actively started turning him into a weapon. Long Zhi knew from experience what it was like. But in his case, at least, it was not only because he was a weapon, but also slated to take over one day. It was all for the greater good in the end, and that's what he clung to day in, day out. What was there to cling to for Yuki? Absolutely nothing. Not really. Apart from maybe 'it could be worse', but that wasn't exactly a very reassuring thought.

 But...

 There was also a part of him that wanted to be selfish. A part of him that wanted to say 'no, it wouldn't be so bad if you stayed', because he didn't want to lose the only person in his life that somewhat had his back even if it meant suffering. The only friend. The only person who cared, and who Long Zhi could care for in return without Xiao Dan interfering at least yet.

 "I don't think it's an answer I'm allowed to give you. I can't, in good conscience, say it isn't bad being turned into a weapon. But I can't bring myself to say that you should leave while you can, and run as fast and far as you can, because I'm not willing to let you go. So... I'm afraid it's a decision you're going to have to make on your own." He paused for a moment. "Whatever decision you make, I'll support you to the best of my ability."

Watching Long Zhi's mind work, feeling the confusion and the unsettling numbness coming off him...Yuki was braced for impact. Anxiety rolled through him and he didn't dare say more -- and when Long Zhi absently gave him a compliment, Yuki blinked, stunned.

He remembered standing in Xiao Dan's office, remembered the way he demanded proof. How he'd called one of the Dragons' henchmen in...and how desperation and the reminder of his goal allowed Yuki to show their fearless leader exactly what he could do.

He remembered Long Zhi challenging him, and the same desperation leading him to put his friend through such pain and torment.

Yuki took comfort in the knowledge that Xiao Dan did not know everything he could do. The one secret he refused to give up, the one Yuki kept from him and Long Zhi both.

As these thoughts had raced through his mind, Yuki's gaze had dropped to the cement floor between them. You should've never joined. Long Zhi voiced the thought that ran through his mind every single night, lying awake in his bed and staring at the ceiling. His impulsiveness had landed him in an impossible situation. Still, these months had meant something, and...

"Would it be so bad?" he asked, his gaze lifting to meet Long Zhi's. Stupid and he knew it. Of course Xiao Dan wanted to use his ability, use Yuki to do his bidding, he couldn't deny that. The idea of someone else using him to their advantage sent Yuki's skin crawling -- but what was worse? Running for his life, dying a miserable death, or...this? Was this worth it?

"To stay?"

[feilien]

 Realistically, he didn't need confirmation. Yuki could deny it until he went blue in the face and it wouldn't change a single thing. But there was still a certain relief that he did. There were two possible reasons why Yuki chose to do so: because he felt he had no other choice, or because he trusted Long Zhi. It could easily be the former, but Long Zhi chose to believe the latter.

 Still, it was a lot to take in. A lot to wrap his head around. It was like there was an entire world he'd never known existed and it had just suddenly appeared in front of him without so much as a warning. He took his time to take it all in, remaining silent and simply waving the apology away. It wasn't difficult to understand why one would keep it a secret. Hell, Long Zhi had kept and still did much simpler things a secret for fear of the consequences. And his were... laughable compared to this.

 "It doesn't matter how you took them down. A skill is a skill," he finally said, dropping his hand from Yuki's back with a quiet sigh. Folding his hands in his lap, he stared at them in silence for a long while. "It's why he let you join, isn't it? He knows." Of course, he did. Why else would he let an outsider join like that? Long Zhi had always wondered what exactly it was Yuki had been able to offer. At first he'd assumed it was some sort of intel, some information that was difficult to gain any other way, but that well would've dried up a long time ago—and Xiao Dan wasn't known for being charitable. Now he knew.

 He was vying for another weapon. 

 "You should've never joined. He—We aren't any better than Isen. And all your talk about leaving... I thought it was foolish then, but now? You'll be relentlessly hunted for the rest of your life."

The praise helped soothe his wounded pride. He knew Long Zhi probably took down his group without breaking a sweat, but Yuki also knew he didn't hand out compliments often. He took comfort in the hand on his back, until the conversation veered somewhere he'd rather not explore.

He wants you back. He really wants you back. Yuki flinched. He watched Long Zhi get closer and closer to the truth with bated breath, and when the question finally came, there wasn't a trace of fight left in him. He owed Long Zhi an explanation, especially now, so he took a breath.

"Yeah." His voice was cautious -- after all, though Long Zhi wasn't giving off any hostility, that didn't mean things couldn't change. Still...the idea that he would turn on Yuki, after these months of camaraderie and something close to friendship, left an ache in his chest. "I'm an empath. I can feel emotions, read auras -- kind of like an imprint of who a person is at their core. You have one."

His next words tumbled out quickly. "I'm sorry I never told you, it's just -- it's not...safe for us." Yuki's gaze dropped. "Not when people like Isen are out there."

Yuki glanced at the bodies laying nearby, all laying in puddles of their own blood. He knew what Long Zhi was thinking, no abilities needed. What's wrong with you? "I've never taken down six people before," he said, and forced himself to meet the other's eyes. "I...used my ability."

[feilien]

 Long Zhi nodded his head and, once again, remained silent for a moment. "People join us for all sorts of reasons. Some are as simple as money or reputation, others can get a bit more complicated like wanting to get away from their family for some reason or another. There's also those that join for protection, like you. The only thing that makes you stand out is that you're, well.. Not Chinese. It doesn't happen often." 

 "For most, the clan is like a second family, if not their only family. I think that's part of what makes the clan so strong. I know you're not... really a part of the clan. Not yet. You still have to prove yourself as trustworthy, as one of us, but... Once you have, Isen won't be able to reach you. Not without risking an all-out war, anyway."

 Setting down the half-eaten bowl on the table, Long Zhi turned his head to look at Yuki. "But if it's revenge you're looking for, I don't know if the clan is going to be of any help. We operate on two completely different territories, and we'd risk an all-out war the same as Isen if we made any move on him or his people. Lǎo ye would never let that happen."

 "But..." Leaning back into the couch, Long Zhi shrugged his shoulders and scratched Bao behind his ear. "If anything ever happens while I'm with you, I'll have your back by any means necessary. I'm not in the habit of letting one of our own down."

Thankfully, Long Zhi didn't make him explain himself. Didn't make him relive it, didn't ask any questions. Simply focused on another part of the story. Though relief spread through him, Yuki wasn't able to relax, not with the way his heart pounded. Not when anxiety was gutting him right there on his living room couch.

The bowl was warm and Yuki shifted his hand, cradling it underneath. The soup smelled good, and he wouldn't waste it -- despite how his stomach twisted at Long Zhi's apology. It was a night of firsts -- and it was empathy in its purest form coming from Long Zhi. Not pity. That alone kept Yuki from throwing up his defenses. Long Zhi hid behind walls, and Yuki hid behind a smile, a promise he was alright.

This was dangerous ground, he knew -- but somehow, he couldn't find it in him to care. A silent agreement that nothing would leave this apartment hung between them. And so, Yuki spoke.

"I'm not strong enough to go after him," Yuki admitted with a rough voice, idly stirring the soup. "You are. I could get stronger with the Dragons, I'd have protection if Isen ever decided to come after me." Now his frown deepened a bit and he sighed, finally letting the bowl sit in his lap.

"I'm sure it made no sense, why I would join your clan. But I've wasted enough time." Yuki grit his teeth. "He's taken enough from me."

Which one?